Guns and Idiots

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Entry Date/Time: Sun, 10 Sep 2006 00:00:04 -0400

Entry Title: Cracked - Katie Couric Evening News Sign-off Suggestions

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Entry Description: "I'm Katie Couric, asking, 'why does it still smell like old man in here?'" - Come up with something better and win an MP3 player!

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Entry Date/Time: Sun, 10 Sep 2006 00:00:04 -0400

Entry Title: Smooth Operator - Gentlemen Prefer...Comics?

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Entry Description: Love with primary color appeal.

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Entry Date/Time: Sat, 09 Sep 2006 23:57:57 EDT

Entry Title: Back home

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Entry Description: I'm back in port a now and down here the chicken crosses the road to show the armadillo it ccaann be done.

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Today in History

1565: Spanish colonists led by explorer Pedro Menéndez de Avilés establish the first permanent European settlement in North America at Saint Augustine, Florida.

1900: An unexpected hurricane devastates Galveston, Texas, killing 6,000 people.

1954: The Southeast Asia Treaty Organization (SEATO) is founded by the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Pakistan, Thailand, the Philippines, the United Kingdom, and France.

1971: The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts opens in Washington, D.C., with the premiere of Leonard Bernstein's Mass.

1974: U.S. president Gerald Ford, who took office after Richard Nixon's resignation the month before, pardons Nixon for any "crimes he committed or may have committed."

1998: St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire hits his 62nd home run of the season, breaking Roger Maris's single-season record. Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs will hit his 62nd five days later.

Born on This Day

Alfred Jarry, playwright (1873)

Richard I, the Lion-Hearted, English king (1157)

Ludovico Ariosto, poet (1474)

Antonín Dvorák, composer (1841)

Patsy Cline, country singer (1932)

Jimmie Rodgers, country singer and songwriter (1897)

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Why did the chicken ever cross the road? Here are the responses of some well known people...

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:

To get to the other side.

PLATO:

For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:

It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:

Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON:

'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.

RONALD REAGAN:

I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:

Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focussed, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MOSES:

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

BILL CLINTON:

I'm going to say something important. And I'll say it again to make sure you understand. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken. I did not.

OLIVER STONE:

The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN:

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA:

Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:

The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?

A White House Drug Deal Gone

A White House Drug Deal Gone BadSitting on the negative results of a study of anti-marijuana ads.
By Ryan Grim
Posted Thursday, Sept. 7, 2006, at 7:44 AM ET

Since 1998, the federal government has spent more than $1.4 billion on an ad campaign aimed primarily at dissuading teens from using marijuana. You've seen the ads—high on pot, stoners commit a host of horrible acts, including running over a little girl on a bike at a drive-through. Or a kid sits in the hospital with his fist stuck in his mouth.

The White House Office of National Drug Control Policy and the National Institute on Drug Abuse, the arm of the federal government that funds research on drug abuse and addiction, partnered to study the ad campaign's effectiveness. The White House provided the funding and NIDA contracted with a research firm, Westat, which gathered data between November 1999 and June 2004. The report Westat produced cost the government $42.7 million. It shows that the ad campaign isn't working, as the Associated Press reported in late August. Instead of reducing the likelihood that kids would smoke marijuana, the ads increased it. Westat found that "greater exposure to the campaign was associated with weaker anti-drug norms and increases in the perceptions that others use marijuana." More exposure to the ads led to higher rates of first-time drug use among certain groups, like 14- to 16-year-olds and white kids.

Five years and $43 million to show that a billion-dollar ad campaign doesn't work? That's bad. But perhaps worse, and as yet unreported, NIDA and the White House drug office sat on the Westat report for a year and a half beginning in early 2005—while spending $220 million on the anti-marijuana ads in fiscal years 2005 and 2006.

Jokes for Writers

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."


I spent a lot of time staring at the computer screen lately and I believe it has affected my vision or maybe I'm just due for a visit at the Eye Doc. My eyesight keeps fading in and out and I keep thinking my glasses are dirty. It's really annoying! But it got me thinking about what would happen to my *cough *cough writing abilities if I was going blind. I can type fine without looking but how would I read over what I've written, how would I edit myself? I could get my Mac to read the text for me but voice technology is not so great. Have my boyfriend read to me, hum I doubt that, he barely reads my stories as is. Oh I know hire an assistant and pretend I was some kind of famous author... I can dream can't I?

Anyone else fear going blind?

Today in History

1822: Brazil declares independence from Portugal.

1860: Red Shirt troops led by Italian nationalist Guiseppe Garibaldi take Naples, one of the final steps leading to the unification of Italy under King Victor Emmanuel II the following year.

1892: Gentleman Jim Corbett knocks out James L. Sullivan in the first heavyweight championship bout fought under the Marquess of Queensbury rules, which require the fighters to wear gloves.

1901: The Peace of Beijing formally ends the Boxer Uprising in China. Under the agreement, China pays an indemnity to the European powers and lowers trade barriers.

1977: U.S. president Jimmy Carter and Panamanian leader Omar Torrijos sign the Panama Canal treaties, which return the Panama Canal to Panamanian control in 2000.

1979: ESPN, the first all-sports cable network in the United States, begins broadcasting.

1986: Two years after winning the Nobel Peace Prize, South African clergyman Desmond Tutu is named Archbishop of Cape Town, becoming the first black leader of South Africa's Anglican church.

Born on This Day

Jacob Lawrence, painter (1917)

Grandma Moses, painter (1860)

Michael DeBakey, heart surgeon (1908)

Buddy Holly, rock-and-roll singer (1936)

Daniel Inouye, U.S. senator (1924)

Sonny Rollins, jazz saxophonist (1930)

10 More Words You Simply Must Know
British novelist Evelyn Waugh once said, "One forgets words as one forgets names. One's vocabulary needs constant fertilisation or it will die." Encarta editors picked a few more of their favorite words to nourish your vocabulary. Some of them you may even use! (Tip: Click to see the full definition and hear the word pronounced.)

1. Abhorrent:
1. "repugnant: arousing strong feelings of repugnance or disapproval"
2. "incompatible: incompatible or conflicting with something (literary)"

The odor in his apartment was abhorrent.
2. Masticate:
1. "to grind and pulverize food inside the mouth, using the teeth and jaws"
2. "grind to pulp: to grind or crush something until it turns to pulp"

Be sure to masticate thoroughly before swallowing.

3. Paradigm:
1. "typical example: a typical example of something"
2. "model that forms basis of something: an example that serves as a pattern or model for something, especially one that forms the basis of a methodology or theory"
3. "set of all forms of word: a set of word forms giving all of the possible inflections of a word"
4. "relationship of ideas to one another: in the philosophy of science, a generally accepted model of how ideas relate to one another, forming a conceptual framework within which scientific research is carried out"

The heiress who has become famous for being infamous is the paradigm of celebutantes.

4. Disseminate: "to distribute or spread something, especially information, widely, or become widespread"

Some publications may not want to disseminate rumors, but many tabloids make it their primary business.

5. Promulgate:
1. "declare something officially: to proclaim or declare something officially, especially to publicize formally that a law or decree is in effect"
2. "make known: to make something widely known"

The City Council has approved the regulation and will promulgate it soon.

6. Pestiferous:
1. "annoying: troublesome or annoying"
2. "causing infectious disease: breeding or spreading a virulently infectious disease"
3. "corrupting: evil and corrupting (formal)"

"The pestiferous mosquitoes enveloped the campers as they sat around their campfire--a persistent annoyance in an otherwise pleasant evening.

7. Ostentatious: "marked by a vulgar display of wealth and success designed to impress people"

They were actually deep in debt, but their ostentatious parties were the talk of the neighborhood.

8. Sternutatory: "causing or resulting in sneezing"

Cat dander is sternutatory to me.

9. Salutary:
1. "producing or contributing to a beneficial effect; beneficial; advantageous"
2. "wholesome; healthful; promoting health"

"False facts are highly injurious to the progress of science, for they often endure long; but false views, if supported by some evidence, do little harm, for every one takes a salutary pleasure in proving their falseness." -- Charles Darwin

10. Pugnacious: "having a quarrelsome or combative nature: truculent"

He was pugnacious, frequently landing himself in detention for fighting at recess.

Which Way Did They Go?

1852
Originally uploaded by vandamonium.

Poor things

New Weight Loss Program

1893
Originally uploaded by vandamonium.

Together with some friends we have decided to start a weight loss program by going for bike rides every weekend. We pedal for about 10 miles each weekend (it's not much but it's a start...).

If you are interested you are welcome to join us. We always have a place friends and family. Attached is a picture of our group, we update the photo on a bi-weekly basis to include new members.

Real Art

1729
Originally uploaded by vandamonium.

Now this is what I call art....

Cool Quotes and Sayings

Cool Quotes and Sayings

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day.

"My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex".

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

"It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"

I drink to make other people interesting.

I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.

Always check for ferrets before sitting.

A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

I don't like small cars or really big women but somehow I always find myself in em!

99% of all people in the world walk around with blinders on. The other 1% walk around in total amazement

. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

The top ten things men know about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Father always said laughter was the best medicine, I guess that's why so many of us died of tuberculosis.

When he is late for dinner i know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope he is dead. - Judith Viorst

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. - Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss)

We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.

There ain't no devil, ther'e just God when he's drunk.

I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it!

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm having a hard time caring about things. Fortunately, I don't care.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!

The two steps to total business success:
1) Never give away all your secrets
2)

To all you virgins out there. Thanks for nothing.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?

Day at the beach

day at the beach
Originally uploaded by vandamonium.

News of the Weird

WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 3, 2006

LEAD STORY
Seriously Bi-Cultural: Tariq Khan, 12, of New York City, bubbled with enthusiasm (to a New York Times reporter in August) about his love of the Grand Theft Auto video game and the hip-hop music of Fat Joe, T.I. and 50 Cent -- a month after becoming a prestigious hafiz by having memorized the entire Koran in Arabic (which he doesn't understand all that well). He finished the regimen in less than two years of 40-hour workweeks, and if he retains his knowledge, he and 10 people of his choosing eventually get express passage to paradise. [New York Times, 8-16-06]

Compelling Explanations

(1) University of Central Florida student Matthew Damsky was arrested in July and charged with starting a fire in his dormitory, just so that, he said, he could meet women during the evacuation. (2) During the Santa Ana, Calif., murder-conspiracy trial of Aryan Brotherhood prison leaders in July, the lawyer for defendant Barry "The Baron" Mills (who was convicted along with colleague Tyler "The Hulk" Bingham) made the point that the Aryan Brotherhood is more of a social club than a criminal gang and mostly enjoys just "playing cards, reading and crocheting," according to a New York Times report. [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 7-19-06] [New York Times, 7-29-06]

The Litigious Society

# Longshots: (1) Los Angeles psychologist Michael Cohn filed a lawsuit in May against the Los Angeles Angels baseball team because he didn't get a red nylon bag that the team was giving to women for "Family Sunday" on Mothers' Day last year. (2) "Carlos the Jackal," who is perhaps the world's most notorious terrorist and who is serving life in prison in France, filed a lawsuit earlier this year against the head of French intelligence for illegally capturing him while he was sedated in a liposuction clinic in Khartoum, Sudan, in 1994. [Los Angeles Times, 5-11-06] [The Scotsman, 6-29-06]

# Garrett Sapp filed a lawsuit in July seeking compensation for injuries from a 2004 auto accident in West Des Moines, Iowa, in which Christopher Garton's car, turning, hit Sapp's because Garton's attention was diverted by (according to a police report) the oral sex he was receiving from his wife. [Des Moines Register, 7-26-06]

Bill of Rights

# James Filson was fired as a Big Ten conference football referee in 2005, following a reporter's disclosure that, after a bad accident and the installment of a prosthetic, Filson had been officiating games with one eye. Filson filed a lawsuit in July, pointing out that he had been refereeing well enough for the previous four years that no one noticed his condition, but the conference said that, now that the word is out, he would be a magnet for criticism on close calls. [Chicago Sun-Times, 7-18-06]

# Pedophiles Fight Back: (1) Phillip Distasio, 34, told a judge in Cleveland in August (in preparation for his September trial on 74 charges) that he's been a pedophile for 20 years, that what he does can be therapeutic for the child, and that it's part of his Arcadian Fields Ministries religion, of which he is a friar. (2) Three men in the Netherlands announced in May that they have formed the Charity, Freedom and Diversity party and will field candidates for office, advocating freedom to be naked in public and a reduction in the age of consent for sex to 12. The new party, said one, will give them "a voice." "(P)oliticians only talk about us in a negative sense." [Plain Dealer, 8-2-06] [Reuters, 5-30-06]

Ironies

# (1) Amarillo, Texas, officials, welcomed home eighth-place national spelling bee finisher Caitlin Campbell in June with a billboard, but misspelled her name as "Cambell." (2) ExxonMobil, the company that announced jaw-dropping profits of $18.7 billion for the first half of 2006, said in June that it would fight the U.S. Justice Department over $92 million that the government said the company owes in the still-uncompleted 1989 Exxon Valdez oil-spill cleanup. [Fox News-AP, 6-19-06] [New York Times, 6-2-06]

# I See Dead People: (1) A campaign worker for unsuccessful Rhode Island gubernatorial candidate Dennis Michaud was charged in July with falsifying election records, in that he allegedly made a sworn statement that 57 voters had signed Michaud's nominating petition "in (his) presence," including two people who had long been dead. Said the worker, "I did nothing wrong." (2) The signers this summer of a nominating petition for James T. Finnell for an office in Smithtown, N.Y., were all living, but the problem there was that Finnell himself had died in 2004, and according to a July report in Newsday, no one knows who circulated the petition. [Providence Journal, 7-28-06] [Newsday, 7-26-06]

News Stephen King Can Use

About 1,000 animals were scheduled to be dug up from Pet's Rest cemetery in Colma, Calif., after owners realized that their lease had run out (June). And the Green River Cemetery in Greenfield, Mass., began hurriedly moving and re-burying bodies, which had begun sliding down a muddy slope into the river (July). And about 100 skeletons were recently unearthed from an old graveyard beneath the St. Joseph's Church, which the Archdiocese of Boston demolished in 2004 and sold (July). And the city of London, England, began selling used burial sites (for the equivalent of about $5,600), offering to inter bodies on top of previous burials and to re-mark gravestones with new names (July). [San Francisco Chronicle-AP, 6-14-06] [WTOP (Washington, D.C.)-AP, 7-24-06] [Boston Herald, 7-7-06] [Daily Telegraph (London), 7-4-06]

Least Competent Criminals

The robber of a Bank of America branch in Tampa, Fla., in August is actually still at large, but according to witnesses, the bag of cash he took and stuffed down his pants as he fled had exploded, from the chemical dye pack inside, creating a temperature of about 425 degrees. Said a police spokesperson, "There's no way that he was not injured." (In his spirited post-ignition dash, the man jettisoned almost all the money.) [Tampa Tribune, 8-10-06]

Update

In 2001, News of the Weird mentioned William Lyttle, then age 71, of North London, England, who was notorious for obsessively digging tunnels underneath his 20-room home. That year, he had dug past the property line for the first time and created a 15-foot hole in the street. Earlier in 2006, Lyttle was temporarily evicted when his tunneling threatened the integrity of the entire street, and building inspectors feared that his accumulation of junk would cause the house itself to sink into the ground already weakened by 40 years' worth of burrowing. Engineers are considering cementing in all the tunnels. [The Mirror (London), 8-1-06]

Clumsy People With Guns (all-new)

The following people accidentally shot themselves recently: A 21-year-old man in Hoquiam, Wash., and a 20-year-old man in Chicago (fatally), both while trying "to holster" the weapon in their waistbands. And criminal suspects Fabian Patillo, 21, in a Chicago suburb (June), and a 23-year-old man in East Germantown, Pa. (July), shot themselves in the head when they too-hastily fired their guns behind them trying to shoot pursuers. (Mr. Patillo did not survive.) [KIRO-TV (Seattle)-AP, 6-5-06] [Chicago Tribune, 7-10- 06] [Chicago Sun-Times, 6-7-06] [Philadelphia Daily News, 7-17-06]

By the Way, What Stories Have Been No-Longer-Weirded? (Part V)

Eighty such themes have occurred so frequently that they have been "retired from circulation" since News of the Weird began publishing in 1988, and here are more of them:

Sometimes, firefighters are the ones who start fires, often because of a need to prove how important they are when they put it out. And it's the law in some places that if a local election ends in a tie, it's decided by a coin flip or a cutting of cards. And most of us have heard of postal workers who fall behind in their work and stash mounds of undelivered mail. And remember when you were shocked that a high school teacher would actually have sex with a student? All those stories used to be weird, but no longer.

Born On This Day

Born on This Day

Moses Mendelssohn, philosopher (1729)

John Dalton, chemist and physicist (1766)

Joseph P. Kennedy, financier and government official (1888)

Marquis de Lafayette, soldier and statesman (1757)

Julian Green, novelist (1900)

Luis Leloir, biochemist (1906)

On This Day In History

1837: Already one of the few U.S. colleges to admit African Americans, the Oberlin Collegiate Institute in Ohio becomes the first U.S. college to admit women to its regular college program.

1899: U.S. secretary of state John Hay circulates a letter arguing for an Open Door policy with regard to trade with China, rather than one that would carve up China into European spheres of influence.
Learn more about the Open Door Policy.

1901: Anarchist Leon Czolgosz shoots U.S. president William McKinley at the Pan-American exposition in Buffalo, New York. McKinley dies eight days later.
Learn more about William McKinley.

1926: The Kuomintang Chinese nationalist forces led by Chiang Kai-shek reach Hankou at the confluence of the Han and the Yangtze rivers; Hankou becomes the Kuomintang capital.
Learn more about the Kuomintang.

1941: The Nazi government requires that all Jews in German-occupied territories wear the yellow star of David for identification.
Learn more about the Holocaust.

1998: Japanese film director Akira Kurosawa, who often adapted Western literary works and forms to Japanese subjects, dies at the age of

Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other Sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. - Sue Lin Chong, Washington

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. -Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. -Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. -Russell Beland, Springfield

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. -Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. -Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith,Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. -Russell Beland, Springfield

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. -Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. -Wayne Goode, Madison,AL

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. -Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.-Unknown

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. -Sandra Hull, Arlington

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" -Jean Sorensen, Herndon

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. -Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. -John Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. -Barbara Collier, Garrett Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. -Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. -Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. -J. F. Knowles, Springfield

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. -Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. -Unknown

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. -Susan Reese, Arlington

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. -Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. -Sue Lin Chong, Washington

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Tickle Me Silly

AXE FEATHER



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