Slapyo.com » Blog Archive » Why you should never question a drunk:
"Why you should never question a drunk A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and a
1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”"
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Slapyo.com » Blog Archive » Why you should never question a drunk:
x rated golf jokes from golfjokes.co.uk:
"Gotcha The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right. To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested two gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent, he agreed. Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball and sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his driver hard between his legs 'GOTTCHA!' he screamed. Crenshaw squirmed in agony, fell to the floor clutching his groin with tears streaming down his face. 'That's one gottcha gone' said his challenger. Crenshaw took quite some minutes to compose himself again and played on. At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost,his only comment 'ever play a round of golf waiting for the second 'gottcha?'"
Today is the sandbelt races in Port Aransas at the GAFF. If you have never seen them they are funny as hell. If you are ever down this way this is something you should make and effort to attend. Other news, last nights karaoke was a bust. I hope tonight is a lot better. The weather is fine and the tourist are beautiful. We are coming up on the close of the summer season. School will be starting soon and there are a lot of people on the Island getting in their last visits before the end of summer. My good friend Dean is down at North Padre and came in last night and gave me a couple of copies of his new CD. Basura Blanca which means "White Trash". That's about all the news from down here. Come visit and stay awhile....
Thursday, August 09, 2007
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time - however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
Words to live by...
THESE ARE GREAT Sayings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Real life morals
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Great Truths: "GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You are Santa.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants."
Great Truths: "GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy."
Great Truths: "GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap."
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything - immediately; women remember everything -forever.
28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
World's Best Resignation Letter?: "World's Best
Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of 'cut and paste' as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You hav"
United Press International - NewsTrack - Quirks - Warning: Don't try this at home: "Warning: Don't try this at home
ST. PAUL, Minn., Aug. 7 (UPI) -- A Minnesota man has learned an important lesson: If you want your testicles removed, leave it to the professionals.
St. Paul police are looking for two or three people Russell Daniel Angus hired to remove his testicles a couple of weeks ago after medical professionals refused to do it, the Star Tribune in Minneapolis reported Tuesday. The 62-year-old man, whose testicles were causing him chronic pain, had the procedure done in a makeshift operating room in his home.
According to authorities, Angus was unconscious during the surgery but awoke to find himself bleeding profusely from the groin area and those responsible gone, the Minneapolis newspaper reported. He called his daughter and she, in turn, called for help.
Angus isn't telling police who the mystery surgeons are because he doesn't want them to get in trouble. His wife only told police her husband spends a lot of time on the Internet and their daughter told them she didn't want them searching his house. Police had to get a search warrant to look through the home.
'I have never in my life seen anything quite like that,' St. Paul police spokesman Tom Walsh said."
Tommy's Little Brain Test
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so…
Below is a very private way to gauge you loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or still a MENSA candidate.
Ok, relax… clear your mind, and begin.
Q: What do you put in a toaster?
A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question.
Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?
A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over-stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next question.
Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?
A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to the next question.
Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors—East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"
A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated… If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
Q: Without using a calculator—You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. Now, what was the name of the bus driver?
A: Oh, for Heaven's sake… It was you!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Exerpts from a Dog's diary
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
: "Chicken and rice ends Kolkata's thief's toilet trauma
Sun Aug 5, 2007 3:24 PM IST
KOLKATA (Reuters) - Dozens of bananas failed to do the trick but an Indian thief has finally produced a gold necklace he had snatched and then swallowed after police fed him a hearty meal of chicken, rice and local bread.
Sheikh Mohsin, 35, grabbed the 45,000-rupee necklace from a woman in Kolkata on Friday and popped it into his mouth when cornered by police.
Officers then fed him 40 bananas over a few hours believing they would act as a purgative, and sat back and waited for results.
Mohsin passed an uncomfortable night in jail, but not the piece of jewellery.
Police said on Sunday he was then given more substantial fare.
'Now he wants to go free and doesn't want to even hear about bananas any more,' senior officer Gyanwant Singh told Reuters.
A tired and rueful Mohsin was, however, staring at 3 years in jail if convicted, Singh added.
'Bananas were good enough for another thief who had swallowed an ornament a few months ago, but Mohsin was definitely a tough cookie,' said one clearly impressed police constable."
KOTV.com - The News On 6: "Watermelon Declared State Vegetable
AP - 4/18/2007 12:00 PM - Updated 4/19/2007 6:37 AM
OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) -- Oklahoma already has a state fruit, so legislation given final approval by the state Senate on Tuesday declares the watermelon as the official state vegetable. The measure was introduced in the state House by Democratic Representative Joe Dorman of Rush Springs, site of an annual watermelon festival in August.
State Senator Don Barrington, R-Lawton, sponsored the bill in the state Senate.
'The controversy on whether watermelon is a fruit or vegetable has been officially decided by the Oklahoma Legislature,' Barrington said. He said watermelon comes from the cucumber and gourd families, which are classified as vegetables.
Others are not convinced, however. Sen. Nancy Riley, D-Tulsa, said her dictionary refers to the watermelon as a fruit.
'I guess it can be both,' Barrington conceded, while adding that Oklahoma already has designated the strawberry as the state fruit.
He said Oklahoma Department of Agriculture officials had advised anyone to answer 'yes' to the question of whether watermelon is a vegetable or a fruit.
The bill now goes to Governor Brad Henry."
Printable Quote: "Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask 'Got enough air in there?'
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: 'You're one of THEM' - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY 'I wonder what all these do?' And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: 'I have new socks on.'
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: 'Is that your beeper?'
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: 'This is my personal space.'
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the"
The Abstract Factory: The only debate on Intelligent Design that is worthy of its subject: "The only debate on Intelligent Design that is worthy of its subject
Moderator: We're here today to debate the hot new topic, evolution versus Intelligent Des---
(Scientist pulls out baseball bat.)
Moderator: Hey, what are you doing?
(Scientist breaks Intelligent Design advocate's kneecap.)
Intelligent Design advocate: YEAAARRRRGGGHHHH! YOU BROKE MY KNEECAP!
Scientist: Perhaps it only appears that I broke your kneecap. Certainly, all the evidence points to the hypothesis I broke your kneecap. For example, your kneecap is broken; it appears to be a fresh wound; and I am holding a baseball bat, which is spattered with your blood. However, a mere preponderance of evidence doesn't mean anything. Perhaps your kneecap was designed that way. Certainly, there are some features of the current situation that are inexplicable according to the 'naturalistic' explanation you have just advanced, such as the exact contours of the excruciating pain that you are experiencing right now.
Intelligent Design advocate: AAAAH! THE PAIN!
Scientist: Frankly, I personally find it completely implausible that the random actions of a scientist such as myself could cause pain of this particular kind. I have no precise explanation for why I find this hypothesis im"
Monday, August 06, 2007
Gotta Love Old Men - Freeple.com: "Gotta Love Old Men
February 21st, 2007
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”"
Bad Gods | Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks: "Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks
Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening
There once was a horse-riding chap
Who took a trip in a cold snap
He stopped in the snow
But he soon had to go:
He was miles away from a nap.
There once was a girl named Lenore
And a bird and a bust and a door
And a guy with depression
And a whole lot of questions
And the bird always says 'Nevermore.'
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
There was an old father of Dylan
Who was seriously, mortally illin'
'I want,' Dylan said
'You to bitch till you're dead.
'I'll be cheesed if you kick it while chillin'.'
I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud
There once was a poet named Will
Who tramped his way over a hill
And was speechless for hours
Over some stupid flowers
This was years before TV, but still.
Footprints in the Sand
There was a man who, at low tide
Would walk with the Lord by his side
Jesus said 'Now look back;
You'll see one set of tracks.
That's when you got a piggy-back ride.'"
The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less: "The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less
Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction. Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Glaciation. Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production. Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion. Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass production."
Useful Military Warnings: "Useful Military Warnings
'Aim towards the Enemy.'
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.'
- U.S. Army
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.'
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.'
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.'
- Infantry Journal
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.'
- Col. David Hackworth
'If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush.'
- Infantry Journal
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.'
- Joe Gay
'Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once.'
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Army Recruit
'Don't draw fire; it irritates t"
The Forwarders 12 Step Program: "The Forwarders 12 Step Program
1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER !!
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B "
Funny Shit: "Australian Tourism: questions answered
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I"
Survival of the fittest M&Ms: "Survival of the fittest M&Ms
(from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands)
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a
species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the 'loser,' and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I
have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive
long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern
candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost
invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare
occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the
species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat
this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it
to M&M Mars, A Di"