Only in America

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America……can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Things to Share

It's been awhile since I've shared.  So here's some sharing tossed at ya....

Quotes of the Day

Exercise relieves stress. Nothing relieves exercise.
  - Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
  - John Kenneth Galbraith

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
  - Emo Phillips

Useless Knowledge

Sharks and rays are the only animals known to man that cannot succumb to cancer. Scientists believe this is related to the fact that they have no bone—only cartilage. They also don’t smoke.

The lavish coronation of Queen Elizabeth II was the first major international TV broadcast.

Termite queens are fertilized regularly by the same mate for life, unlike bee and ant queens, whose male partners die after the first and only mating. They live up to 50 years.

Termite queens are fertilized regularly by the same mate for life, unlike bee and ant queens, whose male partners die after the first and only mating. They live up to 50 years.

Thoughts to Ponder

If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why are most homes white?

News of the Weird

Sheep invade London Bridge

Sinners offered online confession box

Artwork just for the near-dead

Jokes

Vow of Celebracy

The Aging Explorer

Porsche and Hedgehog

Today's Reason to Drink

September 21, 2008

Call a cease fire and have a drink with your enemies on International Day of Peace.

How To's

Calculate the Surface Area of a Prism

How to Change a Lock Cylinder

Freebee

Things to Share - 08/25/08

Quotes of the Day

It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously.
  - Peter Ustinov

I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
  - Orson Welles

If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
  - Arthur Schopenhauer

Useless Knowledge

Fashionable ladies of the sixteenth century thought it elegant to allow their pubic hair to grow as lengthy as possible. This way, it could be braided, pomaded, and embellished with bows and ribbons.

Extraordinary Info

The origin of the word "volcano" is derives from Vulcan, the Roman god of fire.

New Links

How Niagara Falls Originated

Quotes for Sisters & Brothers

Can you find the faces?

Something to Ponder

Why does unscented hairspray smell?   

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

Top Stories

Watching the convention is like seeing a bad divorce

Baltimore Sun - all 1570 related »

The drinking age

Kingston Daily Freeman - all 1744 related »

Kyrgyz plane crash kills 65

Reuters - all 1299 related »

Pakistan party mulls leaving coalition

AFP - all 3657 related »

Russian lawmakers meet on rebel Georgian regions

Reuters - all 395 related »

Jokes

Old Ladies' Noggins

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Texas Sphincters

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

And it was good.

Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.

God said, "Let it be called, ''The Dallas Cowboys'' - America''s team."

Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need a**holes."

Choking

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

Stuff from HowStuffWorks.Com

How Bartering Works

Imagine a world without cash or credit cards. You'd barter to get what you need and want. Today, people and businesses are still trading goods and services. But can these cash-free transactions be taxed?

Can we replant the planet's rainforests?

Saving the rainforest used to be about protesting the number of trees that were cut down. But some researchers propose that reforestation could combat habitat loss and animal extinction. Can we really bring a decimated rainforest back to life?

You Might Be a Redneck

You might be a REDNECK if...

...you've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Lyrics

Angel Flying to Close to the Ground - Willie Nelson

If you had not have fallen
then I would not have found you
Angel flying too close to the ground
I patched up your broken wing and hung around for a while
trying to keep your spirits up and your fever down
So leave me if you need to, I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground.
I knew someday that you would fly away
for love's the greatest healer to be found
So leave me if you need to, I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
Fly on fly on past, the speed of sound
I'd rather see you up than see you down
So leave me if you need to, I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground.

Until Next Time, Remember: No matter where you go, there you are.

Things to Share - 08/15/08

Hooters Girl of the Moment       Picture of the Day

Quotes of the Day

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
  - Evan Esar

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
  - Oscar Wilde

In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from.
  - Peter Drucker

Useless Knowledge

Early Roman fashion designers combined the Greek perzoma, the first fabricated underwear, and the Etruscan succinta, a belt, and produced the bikini for use by athletes. Little did they realize their innovation would one day revolutionize swimwear, plus boost sales of Sports Illustrated.

New Links

Quotes for Sisters & Brothers

Can you find the faces?

Facts

The whale's heart beats about 10 times a minute.

Margaret Knight invented a shuttle restraining device at age 9.

Housefly lives for about a month.

Something to Ponder

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

                                                                                    

Weird Stuff

Naked reveller sparks search, runs away

Meet the dog that loves UB40

Men claim to have found 'Bigfoot'

Jokes of the Day

Seven Words

"In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: ''And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."
- Jeffrey Ross

Deadbeat in a Bar

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

You might be a REDNECK if...

...your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

                                                  

Dictionary.com Word of the Day

blackguard: a scoundrel.

And now, last but not least.....

Today's Reason to Drink

August 15, 2008

It's time for a toga party! Today is Ferragosto, which is in remembrance of an ancient Roman holiday for Augustus.

 

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.  Make the best of it.

Things to Share - July 31st, 2008

Odd News

Stinky gambler fuming over NJ casino ejection (AP) - Yes, Michael Wax stank. He's the first to admit it. The 440-pound New York City man said he was playing poker in an Atlantic City casino for 17 hours Tuesday and didn't have time to clean...
Police say men crashed truck twice on same street (AP) - Police say two drunken friends crashed their pickup truck into a parked car in New York City's northern suburbs and then drove down the street and crashed it again. Peekskill Detective Sgt. E...
Boy, 10, turns mom in for making phony money (AP) - A Bakersfield woman faces charges that she counterfeited money and identification cards after her 10-year-old son turned her in to authorities.
Officer foils Cadillac driver's free gas plan (AP) - The third time was an alarm for a Cadillac driver apparently loading up on free gas while posing as a stranded motorist. A police officer became suspicious the third time he saw the same man stop...

Useless Knowledge

A cat uses its whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as feelers or antennae, helping the animal to judge the precise width of any passage. And, because they aren’t hampered by collarbones, cats can squeeze through any opening big enough to push their head through.

Quotes of the Day

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations. - Orson Welles

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. - WH Auden

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. - Vic Gold

Extraordinary Information of the Day

The typical housefly cruses at 8 km/hr.

New Links

Telectroscope Connects New York-London
Funny Transportation Pictures
Parents Day - Quotes
Are the diagonals parallel?

Point to Ponder

If you're an atheist and swear on the bible, have you committed perjury?

You Might be a Redneck if...

...you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

Jokes of the Day

Twist Again

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'


Poof

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

Senate Slander

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Hope everyone has a great week-end. I'm leaving Port Aransas Friday afternoon and heading to Temple, Texas, to visit with my youngest daughter and my youngest grand kids as well. We're gonna have a Birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas party all rolled into one.

Things to Share 07/24/08

Thing to Ponder

How does one actually zip their lip?

You might be a REDNECK if...

...you have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

Jokes of the Day

Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

The Living Satues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Today's Reason to Drink

Celebrate Simón Bolívar Day! You know, the famous South American revolutionary after which Bolivia takes its name.

Facts of the Day

Horses can eat 24 hours without stopping

While our eyes are the same size from the day we are born, our ears and nose keeps growing.

Quotes

Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it.
- Senator Dianne Feinstein

What happens when the future has come and gone?
- Robert Half

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.
- Katharine Hepburn

Useless Trivia

Coyotes are extremely loyal to their mates. If one is caught in a trap, the other will bring small game for it to eat; it will soak itself in a river to allow its thirsty mate to chew on its damp fur for water. It has been documented that the free coyote will stay with its captive partner until death.

Just Plain Weird

SWEDEN: Swedish airport staff were not amused when a team from a TV comedy show tried to check in a suitcase with a dwarf inside.

A judge has chastised parents for calling their child 'Sex Fruit' and 'Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii'.

Places are still unfilled on the UK's first degree course in Funeral Services - an essay on burial rituals anyone?

You Might Be.....

You might be a REDNECK if…

…you can burp and say your name at the same time.

…the people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors.

…you think Possum is The ‘Other White Meat’.

…you carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

…you met your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens’ room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

…you think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

…your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

…you think safe sex is a padded headboard.

…you and your dog use the same tree.

…you believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

If you answered yes to any of the above, you might be a redneck…