Why Christmas Trees are Better Than Women/Men

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
- When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn’t look like a cheap hooker.
- A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
- A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won’t say, “Hey, look at the size of that one … I didn’t know they made ‘em that big!”
- Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
- It always smells fresh as a forest.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
- You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
- When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN
- A Christmas tree is always erect.
- Even small ones give satisfaction.
- A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
- A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it’s lit.
- A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
- A Christmas tree has cute balls.
- You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
- You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You only have to feed/water it once a week.
- It’s always there to light up your life.
- It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
- It always smells nice and doesn’t pass gas.
- If it needles you, you can toss it out.
- It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back
yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story? "The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I
told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog
would be eaves- dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down .I signed up for a job at the airport to
do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in." I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch
of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Things to Share - 08/15/08

Hooters Girl of the Moment       Picture of the Day

Quotes of the Day

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
  - Evan Esar

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
  - Oscar Wilde

In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from.
  - Peter Drucker

Useless Knowledge

Early Roman fashion designers combined the Greek perzoma, the first fabricated underwear, and the Etruscan succinta, a belt, and produced the bikini for use by athletes. Little did they realize their innovation would one day revolutionize swimwear, plus boost sales of Sports Illustrated.

New Links

Quotes for Sisters & Brothers

Can you find the faces?

Facts

The whale's heart beats about 10 times a minute.

Margaret Knight invented a shuttle restraining device at age 9.

Housefly lives for about a month.

Something to Ponder

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

                                                                                    

Weird Stuff

Naked reveller sparks search, runs away

Meet the dog that loves UB40

Men claim to have found 'Bigfoot'

Jokes of the Day

Seven Words

"In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: ''And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."
- Jeffrey Ross

Deadbeat in a Bar

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

You might be a REDNECK if...

...your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

                                                  

Dictionary.com Word of the Day

blackguard: a scoundrel.

And now, last but not least.....

Today's Reason to Drink

August 15, 2008

It's time for a toga party! Today is Ferragosto, which is in remembrance of an ancient Roman holiday for Augustus.

 

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.  Make the best of it.

Three Little Pigs

as told by Christopher Walken

from onemansblog.com